Full retard

Posted on by
Reply

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man. Look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho’. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump. Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and he won a ping-pong competition. That ain’t retarded. He was a goddamn war hero. You know any retarded war heroes? You went full retard, man. Never go full retard.

You don’t buy that? Ask Sean Penn. 2001, I Am Sam. Remember? Went full retard, went home empty-handed.

— Tropic Thunder, screenplay by Etan Cohen, Ben Stiller, and Justin Theroux

Not the most sensitive of lines, no. Still, funny for the sense of the machinations actors calculate when it comes to determining which of their roles might get them awards (should they be interested in such things).

Also, lexicon, for the formulation, “Full {x}.” Usage: For the past year and a half I’ve gone almost full Mormon — no alcohol or caffeine. The exceptions are few enough to be easily counted; one beer, two cups of coffee.

Tighty whiteys still fit

Posted on by
Reply

It was 2004, and many hearts were set aflutter by the declassification of this document (click through to see the whole thing, if that’s not clear):

As you can see, it’s a bit of a mish-mash, graphically.

So designer Greg Storey, under his rubric Airbag Industries, decided to take a swing at an improvement. Here we are, decades later, and I still think it’s a wonderful piece of clarity:

To paraphrase Augustine, I know it when I see it.

The Kosher Burrito

Posted on by
Reply

Ah, memories. This was a small place across the street from LA City Hall (I worked at City Hall East for five summers).

This LA Times article from 2001 describes it this way:

(O)n a typical day, the stand sells about 100 namesake Kosher burritos–which include pastrami, chili sauce, dill-pickle chips and chopped onion wrapped in a flour tortilla–in addition to burgers, fries and fried chicken.

As I always relate at this point, one time I went there and was asked, “Do you want cheese on that?” Which, of course, would make it trayf (not kosher).

I declined. I wanted the original experience.

Still, for its aspirations of serving hot food to City Hall grazers for lunch, it was a great place.

The Best Homer Simpson Quote

Posted on by
Reply

“Marge, if you’re going to get mad every time I do something stupid, then I guess I just have to stop doing stupid things!” (S04E09, “Mr. Plow”)

This also works from our perspective as well, to wit:

“If you’re going to get upset every time we call something you did stupid, then I guess you’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!”

The differences of translation

Posted on by
Reply

From the Analects of Kǒng Fūzǐ (15:19), who is frequently Anglicized as Confucius:

Ames & Rosemont: The Master said, “Exemplary persons are distressed by their own lack of ability, not by the failure of others to acknowledge them.”

Lyall (Proj. Gutenberg): The Master said, His shortcomings trouble a gentleman; to be unknown does not trouble him.

Legge: The Master said, “The superior man is distressed by his want of ability. He is not distressed by men’s not knowing him.”

A. Charles Muller: The Master said: “The noble man suffers from his own lack of ability, not from lack of recognition.”

So the next time you’re thinking you don’t get enough comments…

The Redwood Cathedral and the Universe

Posted on by
Reply

“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.” — John Muir

I have long misquoted this (I’m pretty sure I first read it in Steven Minkin’s otherwise fantastic novel, …A No Doubt Mad Idea), but according to the Sierra Club I’m not the only one. So, now I have the authentic quote to go by.

I’ve used it for years to describe how my mind works, and why I digress as much as I do. The digressions aren’t intentional, it’s just that picking at things leads me to those hitches.

And while I’m on the topic, listen to this:

YAMAD

Posted on by
Reply

Oh, boy, is this Lexicon.

Yet Another Movie About Dorks. The principle lurking behind YAMAD is, no matter how stupid, or clutzy, or socially inept you may feel, here’s a movie (or TV series, these days) about people stupider, less graceful, etc., so a broad audience can look down on them.

Origin: There we were, dear reader, at one of our weekly movies (we cut the cord before a whole lot of people) in 1998. We were being subjected to a trailer for A Night at the Roxbury for the 35th time. It was obvious this thing was incredibly stupid. It was obvious it was going to flop. But still, some studio exec had greenlit spending $17M of budget to make and market this steaming turd.

Why? Who did they expect to show up?

Possibly fans of Will Farrell, the Godfather of YAMAD. Chris Kattan, the co-star, never really showed up too much after this. (I mean, Sharknado 5?)

No, this is a movie of consolation. No matter how bad your life is, here are some clowns who are even worse. Dumb and Dumber is YAMAD. Wayne’s World. Anchorman. Kevin Smith is the Orson Welles of YAMAD — his characters are dumb on the surface, but there’s more there than you think.

Kardashians is YAMAD plus money. Most descendants of Candid Camera (think Ridiculousness on MTV; or nearly all of MTV, these days) are YAMAD plus voyeurism.

No big summation. “I alone escaped to tell thee.”