The Best Homer Simpson Quote

“Marge, if you’re going to get mad every time I do something stupid, then I guess I just have to stop doing stupid things!” (S04E09, “Mr. Plow”)

This also works from our perspective as well, to wit:

“If you’re going to get upset every time we call something you did stupid, then I guess you’ll just have to stop doing stupid things!”

The differences of translation

From the Analects of Kǒng Fūzǐ (15:19), who is frequently Anglicized as Confucius:

Ames & RosemontThe Master said, “Exemplary persons are distressed by their own lack of ability, not by the failure of others to acknowledge them.”

Lyall (Proj. Gutenberg)The Master said, His shortcomings trouble a gentleman; to be unknown does not trouble him.

LeggeThe Master said, “The superior man is distressed by his want of ability. He is not distressed by men’s not knowing him.”

A. Charles Muller: The Master said: “The noble man suffers from his own lack of ability, not from lack of recognition.”

So the next time you’re thinking you don’t get enough comments…

The Redwood Cathedral and the Universe

“When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the Universe.” — John Muir

I have long misquoted this (I’m pretty sure I first read it in Steven Minkin’s otherwise fantastic novel, …A No Doubt Mad Idea), but according to the Sierra Club I’m not the only one. So, now I have the authentic quote to go by.

I’ve used it for years to describe how my mind works, and why I digress as much as I do. The digressions aren’t intentional, it’s just that picking at things leads me to those hitches.

And while I’m on the topic, listen to this:

Facebook = “You Must Die”

Lexicon. This comes from a phonetic rendering of the word “Facebook” into Mandarin, and then translating the characters back into English.

 

Fēi sǐ bù kě

This is reminiscent of what Paul Linebarger (who also wrote science fiction as Cordwainer Smith) did during the Korean War:

While in Korea, Linebarger masterminded the surrender of thousands of Chinese troops who considered it shameful to give up their arms. He drafted leaflets explaining how the soldiers could surrender by shouting the Chinese words for ‘love,’ ‘duty,’ ‘humanity,’ and ‘virtue’–words that happened, when pronounced in that order, to sound like ‘I surrender’ in English. He considered this act to be the single most worthwhile thing he had done in his life.

Linebarger here is Paul Linebarger, the real name of Cordwainer Smith. The Chinese words mentioned are probably 爱责仁德, pronounced “ài zé rén dé,” a fair approximation of the English.

(Rooting around about him, I see Project Gutenberg has five works by Linebarger, one of which is a novella written under his Cordwainer Smith pseudonym, three of which are works about China, and the fifth is Psychological Warfare, the book that established the field.)

”The Hot Dog Is Enlightened “

Lexicon for Ulrika and myself. This originally comes from the FAQ for the Usenet newsgroup alt.buddha.short.fat.guy, which has a number of amusing bits. This is by far the one we quote, though. Here’s the whole section:

3-4. 

Hey, I heard a great Buddhist joke…

Yeah, we know. Let us tell it to you instead:

A zen student walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”

But we have a better ending:

The vendor then proceeds to throw the student to the ground and shove a Hebrew National, all-beef, kosher hot dog with Bob’s Own Zesty Vegetarian Chili into the student’s left nostril while screaming, “Do you know how many times I’ve heard that one?!?!”

The hot dog is enlightened.

You are writing a character

(NOTE: I originally wrote this in 2009. But instead of back-posting it, as I usually do with old material, I’m going to leave it up here at the top of the pile, in hopes it’s more visible.)

You are writing a character who happens to be yourself. The only thing the reader can possibly know is what you tell them.

I’ve been meaning to write this piece (or something on its theme) for a while now. Perhaps it’s just observational cluelessness on my part, but while it seems obvious to me, hardly anyone writes as if they’ve thought it through, to my eye.

I was reminded by reading the following recently in Joseph Epstein’s essay, “Quotatious”:

“Although there is very little of Geoffrey Madan in Geoffrey Madan’s Notebooks, which is chiefly composed of things he had read or heard other people say, when you have read through this slender volume you feel rather as if you have come to know Madan — and in a way that you may not feel you know the author of a book twice the length, every word of which was written by the author. Merely by knowing what he finds amusing, and what profound, one feels one comes to know the man himself. W.H. Auden, who was nervous about being the subject of a biography, felt that he had tipped his mitt quite as much as he cared to when he published A Certain World, his commonplace book, a compilation that he called “a sort of autobiography.” In a brief foreword to the volume, he noted: “Here, then, is a map of my planet.” I believe it was Gayelord Hauser, the nutritionist, who said that “you are what you eat,” but if you happen to be an intellectual, you are what you quote.”

I agree with Epstein completely. In fact, I’d extend the idea: The internet, as a medium, is good for only two things — reading text, and writing text. When you write text in the format some call a blog (and others a journal or diary), you are writing a narrative. You are inviting others to know what you find amusing, and what profound. You are selecting some actions of your life to highlight, while discarding others.

In short, you are writing a character.

Whether that character accurately reflects you, or is wholly fictional; an idealized version of yourself, or even a deliberately villainous portrait… That is up to you as a writer.

Make no mistake, though. Your readers will find you sympathetic or antagonistic wholly on the basis of what you choose to tell them, and how. Just like a character in a work of fiction.

I know a blogger who has a large reputation. Part of that reputation is how they get into scuffles with their readers or with other big name bloggers every now and then. What’s interesting, in this context, is how they’ll then write, “This blog is not the totality of who I am. You may think you know me, but you don’t. I have other qualities, both good and bad, that you know nothing about, and to judge me solely on what you see here is to work on very limited information.”

I’ve told them an early version of this piece. “If so, whose fault is that? Who chose to omit those qualities from what the world sees? Do you think your readers are somehow clairvoyant, or telepathic, and can see something you’ve never told them in the first place?”

Ezra Pound once said, “The secret of popular writing is never to put more on a given page than the common reader can lap off it with no strain whatsoever on his habitually slack attention.” While that can be used to justify writing a sequence of “A… C” and having faith the smarter reader will infer the elided B (or even, if one is lucky, “A… D“), it does not justify “L… U”.

So, some modest pieces of advice:

* When writing a blog post, consider how you would react if you read it as a character’s statement in a novel. Is it interesting? Is it consistent with what has come before? If it isn’t consistent, does it illuminate the character in useful ways? 

* Does the post show you in the light you want to be seen? If you’re showing a part of yourself you don’t like, can you withstand the criticism that may come, or, even better, will you be willing to use the criticism to become more like who you’d really like to be?

My hope is this thought can be useful to fiction writers as well:

* If I were to read this narrative from my character in a blog, what would I think of them? Would I find them interesting enough to read the next day?

UPDATED TO ADD: I was talking this over with Ulrika over dinner, and she replied with Mamet’s Question: “What’s my action?”

For those who don’t know, there’s a book called, A Practical Handbook for the Actor, based on workshops the authors attended with David Mamet. “What’s my action?” is Mamet’s analogue to the Method Question, “What’s my motivation?” Mamet’s point is that motivation doesn’t matter if the audience cannot see an action you, as an actor, are showing them. All the internal despair in the world means nothing if the audience can’t see it through your actions.

Same thing here. Without the action of communicating to the reader through writing it down on the screen, you don’t get your character across — no matter how well you might know the character, because they’re “you.”

Architect, heal thyself

* From an interview in Der Spiegel, called “Evil Can Also Be Beautiful”:

SPIEGEL: Some people say that if architects had to live in their own buildings, cities would be more attractive today.
Koolhaas: Oh, come on now, that’s really trivial.
SPIEGEL: Where do you live?
Koolhaas: That’s unimportant. It’s less a question of architecture than of finances.
SPIEGEL: You’re avoiding the question. Where do you live?
Koolhaas: OK, I live in a Victorian apartment building in London.

{hat tip to John Massengale}