The Shovel Breaks


(This was first written in August, 2010 for LiveJournal, and is now on Dreamwidth. But it really needs to be at this site.)

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So tonight we were watching Glee S1:D3 from Netflix, and I made an observation about how unlikely this was from choral standards — but, hey, what do I know? I only sang in grade school, high school, and college choirs for 12 years.

And Ulrika said, “I wonder when the shovel will break?”

We both realized there was a lexicon entry — because she got that phrase from me.

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There I am living in Harwood Court, a dorm on the Pomona College campus.

I’m talking to Doug Shepherd, class of ’84, and some other folks, and I forget just how this came up, but he says, “Night of the Comet is so bad, the shovel breaks before the opening titles.”

“Oh?” I say. “What do you mean by that, Doug?”

“Well… All fiction is basically the art of throwing shit in your general direction. When you’re in the hands of a master — Tolstoy, say, or Hitchcock — they shovel the shit out of the way so quickly and so cleanly you don’t ever really notice it. Their shovels are made out of a mix of titanium and carbon fiber. But let’s face it — not everyone is that good. So, sooner or later, the shit is just so heavy their shovel breaks. Then the shit the story depends on starts piling up. I mean, it becomes a big pile. Then it starts stinking. You just can’t pay any attention to the story, because this steaming pile of shit is between the story and you, and it keeps growing, because their shovel has broken, and they just can’t get it out of the way.”

Night of the Comet starts with this text prologue on the screen. And this text is so lame, and so ridiculous… I’m telling you, the shovel breaks before the titles show up.”

“So it becomes something of a measure of quality, y’know? Just when does the shovel break in a story?”

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This was the thing Doug told me I remember best, and have found most useful in the passage of time. And now I pass it on to you.

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EDITED TO ADD: I was wrong. It’s not a crawl of text. Such is the world in which we live I was able to download the movie to look, check, and verify. It opens with John Carpenter-ish synth riffs, and deep, dark narration by Michael Hanks. It was tough to punctuate the following, because many times you’d think a sentence was over, and then it would go on.

Since before recorded time it had swung through the universe in an elliptical orbit so large that its very existence remained a secret of time and space. But now, in the last few years of the twentieth century, the visitor was returning.

Animated comet goes whooshing by.
Title: NIGHT OF THE COMET

The citizens of Earth would get an extra Christmas present this year, as their planet orbited through the tail of the comet. Scientists predicted a light show of stellar proportions – something not seen on Earth for 65 million years. Indeed, not since the time that the dinosaurs disappeared virtually overnight. 

There were a few who saw this as more than just a coincidence. But, most didn’t.

“Pleeeeease!”

Lexicon. Comes from Robert Klein’s comedy album, Child of the Fifties.

I was watching TV this morning, when I saw an ad for a Budweiser product. It had the slug line, “100% Hard Seltzer. 0% Beer.” So at least they know their beer has a perception problem, and a product having nothing to do with their beer is an attractive feature.

But once you hear Klein, you’ll understand why the desperation of the ad (and a great deal of ads by many other people as well) reminded me of the bit.

Shannon’s Deal & Logic

I admire John Sayles a lot. Sayles not only writes and directs movies, he edits them (which, as Tony Zhou points out, is a very small bunch of people who include Kurosawa). Sayles made Matewan, and Lone Star, among others.

And in 1990-91 he made his one foray into TV: Shannon’s Deal. For a show with only one season, it has a very extensive Quotes page on IMDb. With these elegant lines:

[Jack Shannon tries to talk Wilmer Slade out of taking his entire payment]

Jack Shannon: Then you should understand that a payment of this size is going to make Mr. Testa very upset. 

Wilmer Slade: Why do I sense an oncoming assault on logic?

“An oncoming assault on logic.” That’s beautiful. That might be lexicon of the future, that.

What a damned shame it’s not promising I’ll ever see it. Will any of the streaming platforms ever pick it up? And it hasn’t been made a DVD.

Bitch, you almost made me break character

Lexicon. Wild rephrasing of the original from the movie Chasing Amy:

“‘What’s a Nubian?’… Bitch, you almost made me laugh.”

Now, in my defense, this may have been a mashup with a story from my college days. Professor Leonard Pronko put on one of his periodic kabuki productions, this one titled Lancelot Bewitched. The lead, Kevin Costello, was teased by a number of my friends (Mark Vargas, Cathy Kerry, Topher Jaworski, others). Imagine the following delivered to Kevin in the exaggerated style of kabuki:

“Threeeee times! You broke character threeeeee times! And weeee saw you!”

So I may have taken the laughing and the breaking of character, and merged them.

It’s a theory, anyway.

“The New Cruelty”

Lexicon. Derived from this bit in Steve Martin’s 1991 movie, L.A. Story:

L’Idiot is the hot restaurant of the moment, and pronounced as if French (as one might expect from the apostrophe). The phrase is generally used when someone is being a dick.

“I see Congress has cut Medicaid spending.”
“Part of the New Cruelty?”

Interestingly, the New Cruelty also shows up with lightning speed in this deleted scene that featured John Lithgow:

Publishing

“And that’s what’s wrong with publishing today.”

Lexicon. Mild reworking of a bit William Goldman has in his foreword to Morgenstern’s The Princess Bride:

WHEN I WAS twenty-six, my first novel, The Temple of Gold, was published by Alfred A. Knopf. (Which is now part of Random House which is now part of R.C.A. which is just part of what’s wrong with publishing in America today which is not part of this story.)

Usually used to illustrate something being overly intricate:

”That restaurant is run by Fussmucker, but it’s owned by Muckenfuss, which is really a part of Gilded Octopus, LLC.”
”And that’s what’s wrong with publishing today.”

Hence the fucking name

From Denis Leary’s 1997 comedic routine/record/video Lock ‘N Load. Lexicon. Re-worked from the original (“You took the donut, you dunked it in coffee. Thus the fucking title of the place!”), as he explains why Dunkin Donuts is called that.

Used when it can explain a tautology:

“Turns out Hal’s Tavern is owned by a guy named Hal.”
”Hence the fucking name.”

(YouTube isn’t letting me embed any of the many videos with his Lock ‘N Load “Coffee” segment. Hence the fucking link. [see?] Not sure why the curly quote algorithm is broken in that line above, but I’m out of spoons for what I thought would be a quick entry.)